Change and transition

Tonight I have been reflecting on all the change in the past few years...it's quite overwhelming. I have had more time on my hands lately as we feel more settled in our house, and I feel more settled into my not so busy routine.

Moving here and settling in has often created a deeper feeling for missing my mom. I obviously missed her excruciating amounts before, but everything to seeing our family photo at my wedding without her, to thinking "I wish I could call mom up and tell her about my students, my house, my new friends, etc." I have no idea how to sew for instance...and believe me, I have tried and failed. She and I sewed my curtains for my dorm room in college together. It's painful to think about the simple things that we used to do that I wish could still happen. I guess leaving college was leaving the place she left me at. We used to talk every day on the phone when I was in college...I probably drove her NUTS and I definitely did it instead of doing what I "needed to do"....but that was something I couldn't deal without...talking to her every day. I guess those type of things are what make it so painful. Some times are harder than others, but I think lately with all the change of getting married and moving to a completely new place have shaken things up.
I love reminiscing on times with her, it helps. It helps to look at photos and such. And it helps just to cry it out, which I have found lately, I have been doing close to every day. I am finding out that I am homesick for something that no longer exists, and through God's grace I can be strong enough to get through each day with a smile. For some reason, I thought it would get easier...in a strange way, I am happy it isn't. It may sound crazy, but I feel closer to her this way. It's excruciatingly painful sometimes, but it's good to think and talk it out. If you know me well, you know I do not like talking about it. I don't mind being asked in the least about anything regarding my mom, but for some reason, when I am missing my mom and talking to someone such as my sister or my grandma, I'd rather just talk about what's going on that day or something, rather than break down on the phone about mom.
I've been talking a lot about it to Madison which has been good/healthy...he's good about making me talk about things instead of bottle them up like I try to do.

The work aspect of my life has been a little discouraging, although I am continuing to press hard and keep my chin up. The job market is horrible here. It helped talking to a new friend I just met named Kelly. She and her husband moved here from Starkville so he could start law school. She has her college degree and has been applying for every sort of job imaginable, even jobs that just require a high school degree and hasn't been able to get anything. This encouraged me that it's not because they don't like my accent or something (I was determined there was something they didn't like about me!) I am discouraged at the lack of students I have; I thought I would have a full studio or at least 10 students by now. It's just a long process, and this is not Wheaton. People aren't as interested in music lessons or something! Mr. Bell has been helpful, but hasn't had nearly as much of a waiting list as he usually does. He's also taking care of his wife who has cancer, so he has been very busy. I am excited about a new group I started at a local private school. I'm coaching a chamber music group, and they're quite talented, which is encouraging!

I love life, I love my husband, I love my family, friends, and I love where I am...sometimes I just get homesick for places that no longer exist, and the ones that still do exist, cost over $400.00 to get to!